Can one ever predict divorce when couples exchange their vows?
I think for some couples, yes. The premise of this statement is because expectations don’t usually change as they are built up and internalised over the childhood of the couple. Today I want to talk about the lady’s perspective.
There are probably 3 subtle ways to tell how a woman views marriage. These are subtle signs you can observe to tell roughly, the definition of “husband material” to a single lady.
After you observe the patterns of thought processes, you can then compare these thought patterns with observable things in reality.
I view these 3 signs as signposts that determine the direction of the marriage:
- Observe her father, or ask her about what she thinks of her father.
The father-daughter relationship is always going to affect a lady no matter what. Because as a little girl, society tells the little girl via movies and the mass media that she is probably and ideally going to get married one day. The real life reference of a “husband material” is set by this little girl observing her father.
So if her dad is the type of dad who really pampers and takes super good care of the little girl, in emotional and financial terms, then that’s the same benchmark she’s going to apply to her husband, if not higher.
What if the little girl observes that there is “no dad”? For instance, if the dad is always at work, or the dad divorces the mom. Then usually the little girl will either grow up to be very independent, or very needy emotionally.
- Observe what makes the lady happy, then ask the lady if she knows what makes her happy.
Surprisingly, some ladies actually don’t know what really makes them happy. So we have to observe. This observation is strictly non-verbal and must be done face-to-face.
From the observations, you can actually tell the extent to which the lady is in denial of her own happiness, due to other obligations and responsibilities.
So you can actually tell if she wants to marry the guy, by observing to what extent this guy bridges those gaps of denial.
- Last but not least, observe if a lady suffers from “lack” mentality.
This is straightforward. Observe if the lady makes frequent statements of comparison when it comes to love, weddings and marriage. Ladies who subscribe to a “lack mentality” will always compare and be on the look out for a “better guy”.
But usually when you ask them to define a “better guy”, they don’t know what they want. The benchmark of definition they use is a linear, quantitative “better guy” defined by society, and not “a better guy in accordance to what I want“.
Signs are things like “Her boyfriend does this and that for her, why does mine only do this?”, “Everyone around me is married to a rich husband, why do I “settle for” less?”
This is as opposed to ladies who subscribe to a “nurture and grow mentality”. The idea here is that they will decide on a guy, and then decide to grow old together with the guy starting from marriage. Ladies who like to think about “nurture and grow” will decide to marry a guy and then make continued efforts to bring the relationship closer.
Again, the differences in attitudes can be observed.
This is why I always tell women who have been through divorce that sometimes it is just pure bad luck. Because usually, divorce is a consequence of mismatch, not individual problems.
Okay, got to go work! Bye!