Muse, Relationships
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Why you are still single.

Hello folks!

There is a Slush/Samsung press event on going now till 10.30. My first appointment is in 11.25 at the Slush venue. I woke up at 7am to prepare, but my taxi (booked by the co-ordinator) did not turn up as scheduled. I didn’t know how to go to the place so here I am with 30minutes to write this post!

Today’s post is on why you are still single, and correspondingly, how to get a boyfriend/girlfriend if you feel like it.

There is only one reason why anyone who is willing would fail to get a boyfriend/girlfriend:

Demand for your good traits < supply of your good traits.

Correspondingly, the set of solutions to increase your chances of getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend, no matter who you are are, is as follows:

  1. Increase the demand for your good traits;
  2. Decrease the supply of your good traits.

Now, some might question–can you use logic to get a boyfriend/girlfriend? Won’t it remove the magic out of the romance?

Here’s my answer: Of course you can, and of course you should! 

It is a fallacy to assume that you shouldn’t use logic to think about “love”, because it’s an affair of the heart. That is seriously bullshit, because while “love” is indeed about emotions and commitment, the system of love is based on economic theory.

And obviously companies want to sell you the belief that you are not good enough. For it is only via convincing you that you are not good enough that you will buy their product. Notice that the solution said “YOUR” good traits, not what traits society considers as ideal. So knowing yourself and what your strengths are will help greatly in finding a lifelong partner.

So let’s elaborate on solutions now.

  1. How do you increase the demand of your good traits?

There are 3 methods:

  • Firstly, you can increase the demand of your perceived good traits. This is about image control, and it’s easy but short-term. Basically, go buy a female bimbo-tic fashion magazine, look at the images of men and women portrayed inside, and copy the image as much as possible. Or you can watch a movie that is wildly popular with ladies and copy the image of ideal/desirable men and women inside. Same effect.

The limitation of this method obviously, is that once you get the boy/girl, this image will fall apart if it is not consistent with your true personality. And therefore, you lose the boy/girl. So I’d only recommend this method if you are going for a one-night stand, or a fling.

  • Conversely, you can change yourself in a given environment/society to align your real self with the image of the ideal male/female in the society. So instead of faking the image, you work towards the image of an ideal male/female set by the given society.

Let’s say you are a Singaporean boy. You know Singapore is a patriarchal and pretty conservative society.  That is to say, there are expectations placed on male gender roles. If you are more feminine/metro-sexual in the Singaporean context, you basically have to deal sometimes with people calling you unflattering names such as “ah-kua” or “faggot”, etc.

So let’s say, you believe that you are not getting a girlfriend because you are not a macho/alpha-male. You can then change yourself such that you don’t appear so “weak” to Singaporean girls, for instance.

But this method is potentially pretty stifling, because there is a chance that you have to pretend to be someone else you are not, on a permanent, lifelong basis. And trust me, you’d never be good enough because you are at best a second-best imitation of the society’s ideal.

  • Last but not least, you can increase the demand of your good traits by being proactive. This means putting yourself “out there” to let potentials know of your existence.

Imagine if you are an introverted and passive Finnish boy. The total number of girls you know is a grand total of 5, and 4 are your friends’ girlfriends whereas the remaining one is a really weird girl. Then of course this is not a problem with your personal traits, isn’t it? It’s just a matter of not surrounding yourself with more girls.

So, to let more girls discover the awesome you, you have to “put yourself out there”. For example, go to a pub, join a hobby club made up of >80% girls, etc. Seriously it doesn’t even matter if you are socially awkward, simply showing up in an environment where there are a lot of girls will increase the demand of your positive traits.

Again this has nothing got to do with you, but everything to do with how many girls there are in a given environment. So being proactive helps–you just need to turn up in a place with disproportionately more girls than boys.

2. How do you decrease the supply of your good traits?

There is one method. Basically just move yourself to another environment/society, where the supply of your traits is less, leading to lower competition.

It’s very simple, right?

No matter how ugly you think yourself to be, as long as you are foreign, you stand out. There are a lot of reasons to this and here are two: Biological, since from the evolutionary psychology viewpoint it is best to mate with someone genetically different; Psychological, since rare things are much more valued, precisely because it’s rare.

So again, it’s nothing personal. It’s more like you are exotic simply by being different.


OKAY! So to conclude, the above are four reasons why you are still single.

I want to quote something from Eero. He shared this part of the awesome Emma Watson speech with me yesterday:

It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum not as two opposing sets of ideals.

If we stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by what we are—we can all be freer.

I want men to take up this mantle. So their daughters, sisters and mothers can be free from prejudice but also so that their sons have permission to be vulnerable and human too—reclaim those parts of themselves they abandoned and in doing so be a more true and complete version of themselves.” —Emma Watson

In short, Emma Watson’s saying, “Just be yourself”.

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Once you learn to be comfortable in your own skin, flaws, ugliness, imperfection and all–confidence will radiate, and then you will find the special person for yourself.

You are okay just the way you are. Really!

I will blog about male norms in young independent nations some time later this week. See you, got to go! Have an awesome day ahead! ^^

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